This is my last day, so I really want to say goodbye to everyone. D: I was kind of upset that I ended up not going to school this week (we didn't want to risk me getting a disease before surgery), both because I wanted to see my friends and the school one last time. Believe it or not, I really love that school and I'm very sorry to be leaving, for whatever length of time.
It's really strange, but I'm not all that scared. A long time ago my fear for the operation would keep me up crying half the night more times that I can even count. But now I feel a weird emptiness, like "let's just hurry up and get it done with, because I'm sick of this".
The only thing that I'm sad about is the chronic thought of "Where did all of my time go?" And that doesn't make much sense, but for the past two years I felt like the time before my inevitable surgery was endless, because I really didn't believe it was going to happen (does that mean I have some kind of immortality-complex, or I'm just dumb?
). Now, the night before I leave, I still feel like I'm just trapped in a car with endless amounts of gasoline; continuously driving but never really going anywhere. D: Onoes, depressing poetry tiem!
Of course, this being a spinal surgery, there is always the possibility of a complication. The most minor would be an infection, and that's not such a big deal. But there's also the chance that I could die, or even worse be paralyzed for the rest of my life. I think if I was paralyzed, I would want to die, because then I couldn't draw anymore, and I wouldn't want to live.
But I'm putting my faith in my surgeon, who has never lost a patient nor has had a patient paralyzed. My mother, in her endless support, found one of the best surgeons, and so I'm not as worried as one might think.
(For those who have no idea what the crap I've been talking about so far, here's an update: I have scoliosis (an 'S' curve, with 60 degrees lumbar, and 40-something degrees thorasic, for those who are scoliosis-saavy), and I'm getting spinal surgery in two days (the fifteenth of November). My entire spine is being fused (meaning rearranged, and then being supported with two metal rods and screws running all the way down my spine), from top to bottom, so I won't be able to bend my back again for...well, pretty much forever.)
You know, I never really wished specifically to get better or have a straight spine or anything; I always wished for happiness. And because of all my friends, that's what I got.
I'm happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. I'll really miss all of you, because I love you guys all so much!
You've really helped me get through this entire ordeal with a smile, whether inadverdently or not.
If I get internet access in the hospital, I'll make sure to get on DeviantArt first thing.
Like I said before, I feel like I'm in a car, and I'm a little sad because I've left behind the security of my old lifestyle, but now I'm journeying to a whole new life that will be pain-free.
The closest thing to heaven for one who has been in constant pain for the last two years.
Remember: Do what you like, and like what you do, because no matter what happens, life is not bad, just some of the things in it. So love to life and love your life, because it is unconditionally good. ^^
) signing in for teh Itaness.